Look, we’re all for being helpful and welcoming when new people start coming to the gym and beginning their journeys to beasthood, as long as they stay out of the way and don’t interfere with our own gains. Unfortunately, most of them don’t do either of those things, so as the serious lifters of the gym, the Guardians of the Iron if you will, we’ve got to take certain precautions to ensure that there are enough new members around to keep the gym in business, but not so many that we can’t ever get an open bench. It’s all about balance. The worthy will stick around, and the weak will stop showing up and eventually cancelling their memberships a few months later. In order to achieve this perfect balance, you’ve got to mark your territory. Here’s how:
5. Bring Tons of Water Bottles to The Gym
via sites.imsa.edu
As equipment becomes available, go and do a set, drop off a water bottle, then move onto something else. If anyone tries to move your water off the machine, or away from the rack, just holler at them: “Hey, bro, that’s my spot – can’t you see the bottle?”
Once you’ve dropped off each bottle to a different corner of the gym, the entire gym is now your playground. Does it have to be water bottles? Why not towels, etc? You’ll see, just keep reading…
4. Be Massive
If you aren’t huge and intimidating, none of these other points are going to work (Except #1, that one works for everybody.) If you aren’t massive yet, then you really shouldn’t be worrying about how to asset your dominance at the gym either way, so move along.
3. Eye Contact
Usually, #4 and #3 will be more than enough, but some days the gym will be extra busy (January…) and you simply won’t have enough eyes (Or enough mass, for that matter) to take down an entire weight room. But normally, simply making eye contact with someone as they’re fumbling their way around your bench is enough to stop them from wanting to come back anytime soon. Look, we’re not trying to scare people away or to stop them from getting in shape, but there’s a natural pecking order in the gym and it’s based on seniority.
Someday, the newbies who stuck around will understand that you did this for the greater good of the gym.
2. Own The Gym
There are really only a few career paths for a massive beast of a human. You can be a bouncer, a bodyguard, or open a gym. When you own the gym, you have the ultimate authority and responsability when it comes to defending the honor of the iron. You’ll assemble your own guard of
1. Piss Everywhere
The ultimate way to achieve supreme dominance at the gym is to literally mark your territory. If it’s a good enough method for dogs, it’s good enough for us, too. Remember all of those water bottles you’ve been scattering around the gym? Drink all of them. It’s time to get serious. We’re calling in the heavy artillery.
You’ve done it. Now you own a gym littered with empty water bottles, it’s completely empty except for a couple huge bros that always pay their membership late, and it reeks like urine constantly. Look in the mirror, big guy. Take it all in. You’ve won.
