In a delightfully snarky piece titled “8 Things Women Really Need to Stop Wearing At The Gym,” author Emma Golden outlines some of the more ridiculous clothing (or lack thereof) choices women frequently rock to the gym. She’s pretty much right on the money with her take-down of obnoxious female workout gear, along with the motivations behind wearing it.
We already know how the author feels about these stylistic choices, but in spite of the article’s 15,000+ shares, a quick glance around your local gym will make clear that it doesn’t appear that her view that women should just stop wearing this stuff has taken hold. We’d like to take a stab at why this might be – read on to find out the eight things women are told not to wear to the gym, but still do!
- The Baggy T-shirt
Golden believes that the tarp-sized t-shirt is a byproduct of low self-esteem – that no woman with a shred of confidence would be seen publicly broadcasting her insecurities to the world by wearing one. While garbing yourself in clothing that could fit a rhinoceros is certainly one way to prevent fellow gym-goers from identifying your every last physical flaw, I think it’s more often worn to achieve a different end: keeping every horny, cheat-curling bro from incessantly ogling you.
Guys typically come to the gym to do two things, test their max bench, and then shamelessly check out women. The baggy t-shirt is the perfect antidote to the second XY gym activity, because it effectively leaves nothing to check out. It transforms a girl’s body into a shapeless, amorphous mass.
The XXL shirt hides everything from view, and with nothing to stare at, guys will typically leave a girl wearing one alone, allowing her to work out in relative peace.
- Hair Down
With the baggy t-shirt out of the way, we can focus on the rest of the choices on Golden’s list, all of which have one very telling thing in common: the goal of making the wearer more attractive. Hair down chick is striving to do just that. And no, I’m not saying that by doing her hair before going to the gym she is begging for every guy in it’s attention – just that she knows she’s going to get it, like it or not.
While she’s going to be creeped out by the majority of these guys, the very remote possibility does exist that there will be one man there that she doesn’t find completely repulsive. She spends the hours in front of the mirror doing her hair for this sole knight in shining armor, and him alone.
- Colorful Pants
Colorful pants girl is gunning for attention. From guys, from girls, from trainers, from the crows devouring the remnants of a protein bar in the LA Fitness parking lot – if it has a pulse, she wants its eyes on her. And, by dressing in various shades of highlighter, she effectively guarantees that she will get that attention.
- Tight Ass Clothing
Same motivations as colorful pants girl, but with a twist. While the girl above relies on aggressive coloring to snag your attention, the girl stuffing her ass into three inches of spandex actually has a body capable of drawing eyes to it without relying upon the same kind of pea-cocking gimmickry.
Sure, she could probably be charged with indecent exposure for those XXS Spanx, but does she care? Survey says: NO!
She only cares about validating her commitment to the gym and that god-awful diet, and the male gaze is the perfect vehicle with which to do so.
- Tight Ass Clothing, Boobs Edition
For when showing off your ass just isn’t enough, or, as is more often the case, when doing so is not a viable option. This girl has realized that she has two things going for her, and they’re both sitting on her chest. So she does what most anyone would: draws attention to them while steering it away from weaker areas.
This exact thought process is the reason why my go-to workout outfit is a stringer and sweat pants – it allows me to command attention to my only decent feature, my over-trained biceps, and draws it away from my ludicrously underdeveloped legs. Yeah, her goal is about as transparent as the skintight shirt she’s stuffing those melons into, but that isn’t going to make it any less effective. For this reason, we don’t expect her to be overhauling the wardrobe anytime soon.
- All Brand Everything
This girl’s “sole purpose of being here is to show you either a) how rich she is or b) how rich she pretends to be.” Spot on, Emma. She’s using an outfit that probably costs more than your car to convey her inherent superiority, and absolutely loves the attention it gets her.
There’s literally no reason to be fabulously wealthy if you can’t rub said wealth in the face of all the peons, so this fashionista is going to continue attending yogalates decked head-to-toe in the latest color-coordinated offering from lululemon.
- Hat Wearers
This type of girl wants you to take her and her commitment to the gym seriously, and has decided that a baseball cap is the perfect way to announce to the masses that she isn’t just another girl at the gym…except she is. She’s just wearing a hat.
Why this girl thinks wearing an article of clothing traditionally worn by the least-athletic professional athletes makes her look more hardcore is beyond me (throw on a football helmet or some hockey pads and it’s a different story), but she’s not ditching that hat for anything. That hat tells everyone at the gym what her body doesn’t: she’s an in shape workout guru who hits the weights religiously. Every other Monday. When The Bachelor isn’t on.
- No shirt, Just Bra
Thirstiest chick on this list. If you’re solely wearing items from Victoria Secret’s newest intimates collection to the gym, you are BEGGING for people to stare at you. Don’t even attempt to tell me otherwise because there’s literally no other reason to wear this outfit in public, much less to the gym. None. Zip. Nada.
As you can see, with the exception of the baggy t-shirt (and, to some extent, the baseball cap), everything on Golden’s list is worn for the sole purpose of attracting attention. Whether it’s neon spandex or shorts that wouldn’t fit a toddler, the female gym-goers outlined in “8 Things Women Really Need to Stop Wearing At The Gym” want nothing more than your eyes on them, and will continue to dress in a fashion that guarantees they are successful in this goal.
